The last 540+ days
I'm pretty grateful for my simple little life most days. The last 540+ days on the other hand, have been pretty damn hard. It's so easy to focus on the good. Online, everyone focuses on the positives. I could talk about how the last year and a half has been exciting, the anticipation and hope it's brought to my life, but instead, I'm looking back on that, and the pain, and disappointment I've felt. The comments that have cut deep. The friendships that have fizzled out because we're in different places. The fact that my life has been so consumed with one single thing.
A lot can happen, or not, in 1.5 years, in 18 months, in 540+ damn days.
This is a milestone for me. A monumental span of time I never wanted to achieve, and one, quite frankly I couldn’t have predicted if you told me it was going to happen. Everything looked 'normal'. I’ve spent, days, weeks, months pondering what I did wrong, what I could fix, if things could even be fixed. A third of this time I was preparing, another third I was hoping, and the rest, well, that was the tears, and disappointment.
6 months ago, I officially became a member of an “elite club” that no one wants to be a part of. After a year and a half of attempts, we were still officially suffering from infertility.
Infertility by definition is a couple's inability to conceive a child within 12 months, (or 6 months if you're over 35.) There are unicorns among us, I know a few. The lucky few who pregnancy come easy to. There are others who spend time over a few months, then our elite group who despite our efforts can't seem to find success. Sometimes there are reasons. Other times there are not. We don't really have an excuse, no diagnosis of our problems, instead, we're solution oriented. I hear at work, that's the right way to be. Countless google searches for at home remedies, weekly trips to see an acupuncturist, hands full of vitamins, I wasn't able to solve this on my own.
Now a year and a half into this mess Dave, and this infertile body of mine, are headed back to a specialty clinic, one of the best in the city to move onto in vitro fertilization (IVF) after a failed attempt at Intrauterine insemination (IUI). It's weird to be talking about this online, but only a little. I know that so many women out there have to keep this under wraps, in other countries I would be fired for 'unknown reasons' for my attempt to discuss my interest in procreating. (Yet those countries are the ones that still believe a woman's purpose is to reproduce, regardless of their interest in doing so). I've cried to my boss about my situation. I've cried to my bosses boss about the same thing. They have been nothing but supportive. They've encouraged me, supported me and have their fingers crossed they can replace me for 12 - 18 months.
Some people are not so interested in the details (Sorry Dad). I'm fascinated by the science. I wont subject everyone to this, but I'll share more on in the coming weeks on Instagram, Facebook and here on my blog for those who are curious.
We're just a few short weeks away from starting this process. For the first time since we were told we were stating IUI treatments, I'm hopeful, excited and just ready for something exciting and good. Once you've made your way down, deep into this hole, you look for the little things, the bright lights of hope. For me that's the IVF treatment we're about to begin.
I will continue to talk about this, openly, because that's the kind of country we live in. I'm hopeful this will work, but if it doesn't, others around me may not be so quick to judge the women who are of child bearing age for not having kids, whether the people who choose to life child free by choice or have their bodies (male or female, they're both almost equally responsible) not working against them.
This isn't a choice for most, for me, I'm grateful to live in a country that not only supports me, but also will fund the procedure for me to become a mother, IF that's what I want to do. So thanks for your tax dollars everyone. I'm going to enjoy them, and my own, through government funded IVF, and hopefully maternity leave following it!