Let’s Talk About Sex Baby: All the reasons you shouldn't ask when someone's having kids.
I've been pretty open about my infertility struggles in the last year, the one thing I haven't spoken about is the pressure to have kids from all levels of society. The simple jokes from friends or family about how they want a baby around, the subtle hints that my biological clock ticking. The sad thing, it doesn't end, after you have your first child, the questions begin about the next. The decision to have a child is the most intimate decision between a couple.
Let's start with a little bit of a sex-ed lesson. In order to make a baby the natural way, a man and a woman will have to take off some of their clothes, and have sex. I know, I know... I've just blown your mind. Sex is a pretty personal decision, I mean, I don't ask anyone's permission outside of that room, if it's OK for me to have sex with or without protection, why should this conversation come up outside of the bedroom? Each and every time you ask someone, you're invading their privacy. I know you mean no harm with the question, but you have to think of the impact on the person you're asking. Whether they feel like you're invading their privacy, or there's another reason why this could be triggering for them, the risk of asking a question like this outweighs the reward, because there's no reward for this question.
1 in 8 couples experience infertility, and these are the diagnosed, documented cases. For every person who see's a doctor, I'm sure there are others who are not. In addition to this, roughly 1 in 4 women have (or will) experience a miscarriage. Why do these stats matter? Because this means 1 in 4 women that you ask "When are you going to have a baby?" has experienced a miscarriage. A simple comment like this can cause so much emotional turmoil for the person you're asking, especially if they've been trying for so long to reproduce. You can always argue "well I didn't know" but that doesn't excuse you.
I feel like this is just the start of the mom-shaming I've read so much about on the internet. Women can do no 'right'
In the past few weeks, I've spoken to women who have told me they have experienced these questions after experiencing a ruptured uterus, another who's child birth ended in a full hysterectomy, women who don't have the money to support IUI's or IVF, more than a handful who have experienced one, two, even six miscarriages and others who have tried for years and just not able to make things work. These women and their partners have had to withstand the pain of living through these experiences, and now the trigger of the question "When are you going to have a/another baby?" Instead, how about asking "Do you hope to have children one day?" with such a simple change, it lessen's the pressure and although it's still none of your business, it will be less of a trigger.
I'm going to leave you with one other sentence: Mind your own uterus.